Yes Victoria, I Am Nauseous

For the record, yes, I am nauseous. It was off-and-on mind for the last few days of the 5th week of pregnancy, and is most of the day from the first day of the 6th week.  It has been mild to moderate so far, and I've only wished for Zofran a few times. I'm expecting it to get worse, but since it's still mild to moderate, controlling it with food is working okay so far. That's good, because it's going to take a miracle to get enough Zofran to control things when it gets worse.

Salt...of the Earth?

Probably more than any other pregnancy, I find myself craving things this time. It isn't that I have to have a particular food, but there are definitely things that sound good at certain times. Notably, I have been craving things with salt. Think guacamole with salty tortilla chips, ramen noodles, humus with seasoned pita bread, and adding salt to my roast beef. Arby's sandwiches and fries have definitely hit the spot, and a Wetzel's pretzel didn't do too badly either. I think maybe I'll buy a bag of Cheetos one of these days to follow up the bag of nacho cheese Doritos that adorned our taco salads last week.

It helps that this time we're "rich" enough.  No, we're not rich. We just have a little more this time, so I feel like I can actually buy something special for myself when it sounds good. Not everything special, and not every time it sounds good. Just one thing a week when I'm at the grocery store.

But I'm telling you, whatever it is, it better be salty!

"No" Doctors

I really don't like "no" doctors, or "no" people in general. They're the ones who tell you "no" to almost everything.

Like the doctor who did my ultrasound the other day.  After waiting for nearly 2 hours on a Saturday, at least half of which was walking up and down the hall in plain sight of the doctor with "I", who couldn't take the waiting room, there was "no" apology when it was finally my turn.

[Thankfully, the ultrasound went great.  We could see the sac, yolk sac, and see and hear the heartbeat at 104, which is good for this stage.  Everything measured perfectly.  There was a possible "second sac," but it wasn't as big and didn't have the same definition or a heartbeat like the first, and the doctor didn't think it would go anywhere.]

After that, the "nos" really started.  Can I return to vigorous exercise?  No! Your heartbeat must stay under 140. Can I have some anti-nauea medicine?  Well, I guess so, but you really can't be sick yet -- that doesn't start until around 8 weeks (regardless of the fact that it has, and did on my other 2 pregnancies as well).

Following all of this, the insurance says "no" to covering prenatal vitamins and "no" to any more than 9 Zofran pills in a month!  No mention of exceptions until I asked, and no phone number for that until I asked.

Boy, these people really drive me nuts!

Beta, Beta, Double, Double

Tuesday morning I was back in the clinic for the revealing beta blood draw. I wanted to share my happy news with the nurse, but when I told her I had tested, she said I shouldn't have because I could have gotten a false positive. Now, if she was drawing my blood for a test, couldn't she get a false positive too? Ahem.

The nurse called and said the number was "really good." What I really wanted was the quantitative report, which she gave to me at 304! With my last IVF, I had my beta on the same day, and it was 235, so this looks even better! I thought twins until I got home and checked out betabase.info and concluded that I'm higher than average for a singleton and lower than average for twins. Personally, I think I've got one strong little babe in there, and while it's a tad disappointing, I'm also a tad relieved.

Today was my 2nd beta where they look for the numbers to at least double.  My HCG was up to 672, which is double plus a little bit, so everything looks great (last IVF, my 2nd beta was 614)!  I don't have to return to the clinic until 10/2 which will be my first ultrasound!  I'm super-excited that it's only a little over a week away! I promise I'm practically holding my breath at every bit of cigarette smoke, exhaust, and other noxious fume I pass by to contribute to perfect organogenesis! I can't wait to hear your little bitty heart beat. Keep going little babe -- double, double!

Three Minutes, One Word

For me, there are few things that take more self-control, or are as nerve racking as a home pregnancy test (HPT). I feel so sad that there are people in the world who don't "want" this, and are upset when they see a positive result. I understand there are a myriad of circumstances, but it's just different for me. You see, it has taken so much effort for us to achieve pregnancy that it is always very wanted.

My daughter was conceived naturally, after we were told we would likely need IVF, and gave up for the time being because we didn't have the money. Since we thought we couldn't conceive on our own, it took until the 5th week of pregnancy and symptoms to show up before I even thought about testing. I remember being nervous about the home pregnancy test, but it was so unexpected it just wasn't the same.

After IVF, I can't help but think of all of the injections, appointments, pain, money and stress that went into this cycle, and the possibility of having to go through all of that again, with all of its implications. Suddenly, this little piece of plastic in my hand can tell my future, and it's really hard to wait until the result (positive or negative), should be certain.

That said, I waited it out again. Using my coupon prowess, I had my HPTs stored away, but remained in control of myself until the same day I got a positive last time (10dp3dt). To make it more difficult, the highest concentration of HCG is your first morning urine, and since HCG can be pretty low in early pregnancy, your best results will be first thing.

First hard part: not going to the bathroom all night.

Second hard part: the youth from church sleeping at your house the night before, and then occupying your single bathroom for the first 1 1/4 hours you're awake and waiting for a bathroom (and some privacy) to test!

Finally they left, and the bathroom was mine! Shaking once again, I started the test, then forced myself to read a magazine for the long, long, LONG, three minutes required for the test to run. I tiptoed over to the test, and looked.  I whispered, "there's no line -- wait, there IS a line!"

Instantly I felt a conglomeration of bliss, relief, praise, excitement, amazement -- that I must be one of the luckiest ladies around. Indecision of whether to tell Scott remotely (and immediately) or wait until he got home quickly gave way to a (rare for me) text. It was not even 7 a.m. and my kids were still sleeping, but there was no way I was going back to sleep. I posted my news on the forum, looked up my due date (May 29), and enjoyed a quiet part of an hour to thank and enjoy.

One happy day later, I used a "digi" (digital HPT) for the fun of seeing the results in words. Well, really, one word to be exact. For me, a word that is a miracle.

9dp3dt

K's head thought bubble:


If 10dp3dt was good enough to get a result last time, it must be this time, right?  Then why not 9dp3dt? Will one day reeeeeeeeaaaaaally make a difference? But the line was so light last time...and on and on....

From the beginning I've planned to POAS the same day as I did last time.  Thoughts like the above have definitely passed through my head many times, but I'm proud to say I've been strong. But tomorrow is finally the day.

Boy, and I nervous. I can picture myself detecting that faint pink line, and spending the day in absolute bliss. Yet I can also imagine not seeing that line, and the immediate deflating disappointment and depression (not severe -- don't worry too much, but real nonetheless) that will surely come.

Slogging through the 2-week-wait

Seven days post-transfer, I'm not always feeling as confident as I was when I wrote my last post. I don't really have a reason -- it's just that the two week wait is really, really hard.

Saturday we found out that 5 of the remaining 13 made it to freeze.  5 is a good number of frozens, but at the same time, I had thought more than 5 of 13 would make it. That was my first moment of doubt.

So I reminded myself that we transferred what looked like the very best 2 embryos last week, so that means none of those that made it to freeze looked as good as the ones we transferred (at least on day 3, doubtful voice says).

I remind myself that last time we only had 7 embroys and transferred 2 and it worked.

I remind myself that we've mostly determined where our issues lie, and those are entirely overcome by the IVF.

I remind myself I'm young.

I remind myself I've been pregnant twice before, which supposedly makes it easier for me to get pregnant again.

I remind myself I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms last time before I had a positive pregnancy test.

All of those are great, but the fact remains that we've manipulated all we can at this point, and now we have to rely on the normal, natural processes. I have no control over these processes and at this point, I just have to wait. And it's hard.

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise?

I had a speedy recovery this time, with only about 24 hours of more than moderate soreness! On Tuesday we even went on a family adventure, though Wednesday was back to the clinic for my 3 day transfer.  Of the 18 eggs that were mature, 15 fertilized and there were still 15 ongoing embryos yesterday.  The clinic selected two of the best, and transfer went well. My previous clinic said you could return to normal activity immediately, but this clinic recommended "24 hours of limited activity." I wouldn't have minded coming home and climbing in bed, but a busy life with other kids just didn't allow that.  I have been trying to take it easy as best I can, including using my Red Robin birthday gift card to prevent making dinner last night! Now is the loooooooooong wait!  My clinic makes me wait even longer than usual, so now it's time to stay busy while taking it easy -- kind of a tough combination.  Otherwise, I feel 93% over ER and don't really have any other physical symptoms.  Since they really did transfer embryos, I think I'll chose to consider myself pregnant until proven otherwise!

Egg Retrieval Day

Yesterday morning seemed to take forever, but finally enough time passed that it was time to leave. The babysitter arrived on time, and we were off. I quickly got checked in and hooked up, and then had quite awhile to wait. There was one ER before me, and she hadn't even started by the time I was all hooked up and waiting. Once she did go in, I knew we were finally making progress.

When she finished, I talked with the embryologist, anesthesiologist, and Dr. W (whom I hadn't met yet) and got moving. I quickly got set up in the ER and all went well. Afterward, I groggily received the news that 20 eggs were retrieved and that one ovary was surrounded by fluid, so I needed to be especially aware of symptoms of OHSS, though I would probably be okay. I hate that doctors always come tell you this so soon after leaving the OR.  I tried hard to remember, but checked with my nurse once I was more lucid to make sure I had heard right. The silly clinic also forgot to tell Scott to go down and do his part until I was pretty much done, so I was ready and waiting when he came back up. Man, I wish they would get their logistics working better!

We came home and had a pretty calm rest of our day. Ian had a really tough time with mom not being able to follow him around and help him, but we made it. Sleep and pain meds are good, and I woke up today feeling good. I'm sore, but not unbearably, and want to take it easy to give myself the best chance I can, so that's what I'm trying to do.

The embryologist called this morning and reported that 18 of the 20 eggs retrieved were mature, and 15 of the 18 fertilized. Though 5-day transfers are slowly becoming a new standard, many clinics still don't have protocols that give them the best results with these.  Mine is one of these, so we'll be doing a 3-day transfer Wednesday.

On Waiting and Cycling with Children

I was thinking today how I posted yesterday that this cycle is much easier than the last, and in the ways I listed, it is.  However, one way it is definitely not easier is that it's hard to cycle with two children at home, especially with a toddler-age boy. Unlike Audrey, who could sit quietly at appointments, I really can't trust Ian at appointments -- quietly or not. I'm worried that R&R will be more difficult with him around too.  So that part is definitely harder.

S had to work really early this morning, so we went to bed, set the alarm clock for just before midnight, staggered out of bed, did the injection, got four more hours of sleep, and had the alarm go off for Scott to get up.  I had to go into the clinic for an HCG check to be sure that the injection was effective.  S was working and 7 am on Saturday is way too early to find a babysitter, so I took the kids -- boy am I glad I haven't had to do that before!  Dr. C called this afternoon and said everything looks good for tomorrow!

It's one of those "waiting" days that is long and a little stressful to just be "waiting," but this is really just teh start as I'm just about to enter the dreaded "two week wait.

Trigger Night!

As was hinted on Wednesday, tonight is trigger night and ER is Sunday!  This has been a tad stressful logistically, but I think I've ironed out all my church and family responsibilities and I'm excited to finally be here!

Thursday Dr. M did my ultrasound.  I think he counted around 13-15 follicles and I was excited because last time there were only about 10. I had to increase my Lupron because my progesterone was rising and they wanted to make sure I didn't ovulate too early.  Dr. M confirmed I would likely have ER Sunday. The clinic also forgot to call me (talk about stressful), so I had to call back after hours to get instructions which were to d/c the Repronex.

Today lady Dr. M, whom I hadn't met, did my ultrasound. She seemed less-sure (read: slow), but also counted over 20 follicles!  I don't know if yesterday's Dr. M only counted the big ones or what, but I definitely felt some excitement over possibly having so many follicles! I also felt some understanding from my "soreness," if that's what to call it - twinges of pain at many movements. Lady Dr. M said ER looked like Sunday, but was still pending on blood work.  Nurse M called this afternoon and confirmed that ER is Sunday, with the HCG trigger shot at midnight tonight!

This IVF experience is so much easier the second time around. I know what to expect, I know this can work for me, I know the questions to ask, and I know that if it doesn't work this time, I'm covered for another time. One thing I do worry about is with a DD and a DS (particularly a very attached DS), I don't know how easy it's going to be to have a relaxing recovery, but that's life, I suppose.

So, it's trigger at midnight, back to the clinic for blood work in the morning, no injections tomorrow, and ER Sunday morning!

The 10%

This morning my trip to the clinic showed things are progressing nicely, I think. There were about 12 follicles in the 10-14 mm range.  I know they're looking for follicles in the 18 mm range before I trigger. Dr. C said from here on out I would be returning daily with a likely ER on Sunday.  Wait, Sunday? Just a few weeks ago, wasn't I sitting in Dr. M's office having him tell me they always start stims on Friday because that means 90% of women will have ER between Monday and Thursday. So what's up with a Sunday ER? Obviously, I'm not fitting neatly into that 90%. I know this seems a little extreme today because of the logistical difficulties this Sunday ER creates, and extra emotions I'm currently carrying around. However, it has brought some reflection on the fact that I often feel like I'm on the outside 10%. Things just don't seem to happen for me the same as they do for everyone else. This isn't necessarily a complaint -- it makes things sometimes better, sometimes worse. Sometimes it just feels lonely because nobody else has experienced it the way I have.

Something New that I Can Do

Last night I switched from SQ Repronex injections to IM. S did a great job with an almost-painless injection, but I awoke with a sore "cheek." Apparently Repronex just makes me sore, but at least there's no red blotch this time.

Well, tonight I needed another IM Repronex injection and S is working, so it was up to me! With some trepidation, I got everything ready and then -- I did it! It wasn't that bad, and I definitely feel like I could do it again. It feels good to be challenged and do something you were unsure about before. It also feels good to overcome challenges in this process, and know I can overcome all of the challenges and emerge victorious. Here's to victory!

Thinking on Twins

In our situation, we chose last time, and plan this time, to replace 2 embryos which gives us about a 30-35% chance of twins.  Last time, with a 4-year-old, I felt totally prepared for this, but was happy to get just one.  This time, I still hope for it, in that it would be one IVF for 2 more children, and I don't know if I'll have the chance to do another IVF if we just get one.  However, this time twins seems a little more overwhelming.  DS would only be 2.5-years-old when they were born, plus I have a 6-year-old DD too.  Our house is small, Scott works a lot, we have a 5 seat car, and more.  I guess I'm about half-and-half, hoping for twins, and not.  I suppose that's an okay place to be, but it's definitely something to think about.

Stims, Day 4

I had my first monitoring appointment after starting stims this morning and things are looking great!  There were at least 8 follicles in the 8-12 mm range already!  They're having me cut back to 75 iu of Follistim, and I'll go back in 2 days.  As for the red injection site reactions, I need to switch to IM injections for the Repronex (boo) but maybe better than red, sore spots on my stomach (so okay, I guess). I'm beginning to feel those follicles growing, and notably on the exact same day as last time.

Just Like That

The 10 days since my last appointment at the clinic seemed to stretch on forever, but Thursday I returned. Then, just like that, the cyst had resolved on its own; my antral follicle count was even better than the week before; my blood work confirmed I was still at baseline, and I was cleared to start stimming on Friday!  Friday came, and just like getting on a bicycle, I remembered how to work a Follistim Pen and mix Menopur, except that this time it's Repronex, since that's what the insurance covers.  Two days into it, I am thankfully free of headaches, though I still have some hot flashes.  I'm super happy to finally be stimming.  The one bad thing is that I'm having some injection site reactions from the Repronex.  It is leaving quarter-sized, painful red blotches around the injection site.  The package says, "approved for subcutaneous and intramuscular injection," so when I return to the clinic tomorrow, I'm going to ask what type of needle to use for an IM injection, and get some if I don't have them.  IM injections make me sore too, so it'll be a toss-up, but I might give it a try.  Just like that, it's finally, really, started!

Dear Pituitary Gland,

Thank you for the way you normally regulate my hormones so well.  I know you feel under-appreciated, and I'm sorry I've never mentioned it before.  It has become so apparent over the past few weeks that I thought this letter was quite overdue.  You see, a few weeks ago, when I took birth control pills, the extra hormones made me slightly nauseous.  Not pregnancy-nauseous, but enough so to not want a bowl if ice cream at the end of the day, and you know I sometimes want (or need!) that bowl of ice cream at the end of the day.  Now I'm on Lupron, and after releasing all of my FSH and giving me a cyst, it has now suppressed all FSH production.  I must admit that hot flashes and headaches are not really my thing, and I'm sorry I never recognized how finely tuned your FSH production was, and how well you do at keeping all of these unpleasant symptoms at bay. I want to apologize in advance that next week you're going to experience an unpleasant onslaught of hormones, though I suppose you won't mind quite as much as my ovaries. After that will likely come pregnancy, which I realize is quite a journey for you too. So thanks for sticking with me and doing your job so well.  I promise I'll be more thankful for you from now on.

Me

One of the hardest things about disappointment

Today I had a relatively minor disappointment. It’s related to something I have been anticipating for some time, so the “fall” felt monumental, even though, as I mentioned, it is relatively minor.  Its effects are many and inconvenient, though none particularly severe. I could list all of the problems today’s disappointment is bound to create, but that’s not really the hardest part. The hardest part for me is that when I begin to feel the disappointment, it suddenly colors my whole world blue. With the opposite of rose-colored glasses on, everything seems to be going badly. The weeds in the yard are horrible. My son’s loudness is unbearable. A long afternoon at home sounds so stifling I’m not sure I can make it through. And that’s just the start of it.

I’d forgotten exactly how hard it is to stay positive amid the ups and downs related to IVF. A cyst delaying my cycle start by one or a few weeks isn’t the end of the world, but it does mean Scott won’t be able to be home in the mornings during the week of mega-monitoring, so I’ll have to find babysitters. It also means ER will be right around Audrey’s first day of school. And it means Lupron suppression for another week, which I’m personally worried about.

Yet I’ve done my best today to do things that help me feel more positive, and I can definitely report that I am feeling much better at the end of the day than I was earlier on.

Sneaky

As a deal shopper and coupon expert, I was preparing for a shopping trip today when I couldn't help but notice home pregnancy tests on a great sale and with a coupon available. That logical voice in the back of my head reminded me that I'm going to be needing one of those in not-so-many weeks, and the frugal part of me convinced myself to buy it!  Once again, I felt so sneaky putting that pink box in my cart. Again, I had to bury it under other items. But I still feel sneaky and hopeful and a little silly.

One Step Closer

Today was my last day of birth control pills (BCPs). In ART, BCPs are used to "quiet" your system.  They suppress everything and get your ovaries quietly resting before the onslaught of fertility drugs pressures them into vigorous action. I think they are used in most protocols and are always a funny irony, seeing that those taking them for ART are those who are trying to conceive.

Today I'm excited to be one step closer, and am about 85% sure I'll be starting stims next Friday! After that, things move so fast!

Besides that, I have nothing really witty to say. I'm just trying to "journal" this process, and this seems like the best way to do it.

Belly Button Darts

Giving myself injections is one of those things like riding a bike -- it comes right back to you. You can do it again almost instantly, but you do have to give yourself a few technical reminders along the way. The "reminder" that has presented itself first, is that you want to handle your needle like dart - quick and smooth. Faster is definitely less painful, though I really don't find this bad.

I'm on Lupron Day 4, and so far, all is going well. Injections are definitely fine, and I'm anxious to get on with the rest of them. I've heard women say their IVF meds make them all kind of things. I thought I hadn't experienced any side effects yet, until I cried through a chapter of a Laura Ingalls Wilder book I was reading my daughter this morning. It's hard to decide if the medication is making me more emotional, or simply going through something very emotional is making me more emotional. I'm going with the latter.

Whilst I make my belly button my pincushion, the rest of the world continues outside as normal. It almost makes me feel like I'm going around with this little secret. If fact, I am, but most of the world doesn't really care anyway. That's okay too.  Just a thought.

Advocate, Advocate, Advocate

It wasn't until the last year or so that I had cause to need to be my own advocate in healthcare, but the time has definitely come.  I had a lot of practice with it earlier this year and S's hospitalization. I think that experience helped me realize that nobody else out there is fighting for you, but if you are persistent enough, and make yourself as educated as possible, you can usually, eventually, succeed.

My latest adventure in patient advocacy was showing up at the local pharmacy to pick up my oral meds today, which I had to do because the specialty pharmacy doesn't supply those. When I got there, one med was really expensive (not covered by insurance), and had been mentioned by the specialty pharmacy, so I asked the local pharmacy to hold the med. I then called the specialty pharmacy who told me my insurance does cover it through them, but it had been sent to the local pharmacy so they couldn't fill it.

Problem: specialty pharmacy was the one who sent it to the local pharmacy.

Solution: call the local pharmacy and have them retract the prescription. Then call the specialty pharmacy and tell them that has been done, and ask them to fill it now.

Then, not 30 minutes later, my shipment from the specialty pharmacy arrives. All is in good shape and still cold, which is good. The one problem is that there are only 3 boxes of Follistim, while the prescription label and packing sheet say there are 4. S checked too, and agreed, so once again, I left another message with the specialty pharmacy asking them to correct this error.

I haven't heard back yet, but expect a call tomorrow.

On a funny note, when the specialty pharmacy's package arrived, it was a big box marked "perishable." Both S and I laughed, wishing it was full of things that were a lot more fun like steaks and gourmet cheeses. Though not nearly as fun, I guess this box was technically worth more. Especially with success!

Moral of this story: be your own advocate! Nobody else will do it for you! It pays to be an educated patient!

Old School

I've been doing my homework with the pharmacy. It's a good thing too -- nobody else would have managed to find out in time that some of the meds I need can't come from the mail-order pharmacy, and then arranging for them to be sent to a local pharmacy instead. And why, oh why does the insurance cover expensive fertility meds, but not progesterone in oil? It's a mystery to me!

The other mystery is why my RE ordered Repronex instead of Menopur, and Novarel instead of Ovidrel. Last time I used Menopur and Ovidrel with complete success, so I am a little dismayed at this.  In case you aren't as entrenched in this as I am, I'll tell you why.

Twenty years ago, when they were just starting into ART, doctors and scientists needed to make new drugs with human hormones in them. They figured out they could get these hormones form the urine of post-meonpausal women. They purified as well as they could and put them into an injection. These injections weren't ultra-pure, and because of that and other factors I don't totally understand, these injections have to be given intramuscularly (IM). With an IM injection, there's no easy pinching of your tummy to stick in a tiny needle. Instead, it means getting that gluteus maximus out, and getting someone else to help you stick a Hi-C straw into it, making for a bruised, sore glut.

Thankfully, ART has come a long way over the past 20 years. Part of the progress has been to create a process to either make these same drugs in an ultra-purified state or a synthetic (but still effective) state which can be injected subcutaneously (tiny needle in a pinch of skin with just a small bruise if anything).

So why does my RE use the old-school method? Is this insurance-driven? Is the clinic just old school? You better bet I'll be asking these questions when I meet with him this week.

Meanwhile, the Repronex and Novarel will be arriving shortly.

I wonder, can I twist myself far enough while relaxing my gluteus well enough to give myself IM injections? Last time Scott did the IM injections of progesterone for me, but this time I may have to do the progesterone as well as the Repronex and Novarel injections on my own with S's work schedule. All I can say to that is yikes!

Pharmacy Wondering

I called nurse M with my pharmacy information Monday afternoon, and had not received a call from her or the pharmacy by this afternoon. Having realized nobody else is keeping things in line for me, I called the RE's office today to made sure she'd gotten the message. The receptionist didn't put me through, but asked Nurse M, who said she had called everything in. I guess this means I get to call the pharmacy tomorrow to see what's happening. In addition to the issue of copayment, the arrival of my meds is extremely time-sensitive for two reasons. One being it has to start on a particular day, but since that is still a few weeks off, the more important one being some of the meds have to be refrigerated and will be shipped overnight from the South, so I'll need to get them into the house quickly.  I'm so glad I've been through this before and know what I'm doing. I seriously wonder if I would have a successful cycle with this office it I wasn't my own advocate.

A Ray Of Sunshine

In figurative speaking, the sun poked through the clouds today.

Going back in time...two-and-a-half years ago, when we first decided to try IVF, I scheduled an appointment with Dr. H. The meeting was hopeful and I felt an extremely powerful spiritual confirmation. All day long I felt as if the sun was shining just for me and everything was right with the world. I had no question in my mind that this was the right thing to do. Thankfully, the results were just as sunny.

This time, the decision to do IVF was very different. Again, I sought a spiritual confirmation, and felt it was a right time. However, there were no angels singing in the clouds this time. Even after my first and second appointments with Dr. M, I came home feeling gloomy, not sunny.

Today it felt like the sun finally poked through the clouds. First, my sonohydrogram and trial of transfer had a short wait and a positive tone. I met with a different doctor today, and had a positive experience with him, including his mentioning he knows Dr. H from The Land of Hot. I found my rewards at friendliness with the office staff reciprocated. Then, when I went to talk with the billing staff, they reported that my insurance had approved the IVF cycle!

All in all, a very positive experience at the clinic today. It is nice to finally turn to the sunny, optimistic side of myself. Once again, this can work and I'm getting excited to get started.

The IVF Influence

Ten years ago I studied abroad in the middle east.  This evening I was contacted by a fellow student who is organizing a ten year reunion. While it was a life-changing experience, I won't be traveling to a faraway state to attend the reunion. They asked for contact information, and I provided a minimal amount. If someone really wants to get ahold of me, they will be able to from what I provided.

I also provided a picture of my family. I didn't provide details, like my husband's name or occupation, names or ages of children, or location. They'll have to guess that from the picture.

Then, I thought about who I am inside, wishing perhaps some of it could show from the picture.

Since that study abroad, I've lived in one other country and 5 other states. I've struggled through infertility including months upon months of trying to conceive naturally and the emotionally jarring repetitious failures; 6 clomid cycles; 4 IUI's; 1 IVF and I'm about to embark upon another.

I come from a culture where children are common; expected; plentiful.

While statistically there must be a few who have "been there," all of the others are still oblivious.

Do they know I'm strong? Do they know what I've opaquely sacrificed for those transparently far-spaced children? Do they know the dark, sad moments? Do they know what it takes to support my husband and his unique career?

I am shaped unchangeably but where I've been and what I've experienced.  I don't wish upon anyone to have to struggle through IVF, but I want to be understood for who I really am.

Repeat

It's commonly known that men don't understand the inner workings of women. I have to admit, sometimes I don't understand the inner workings of my body as well. Specifically, I don't understand why it insists to start cycling on the last day of my vacation which had to be spent in airplanes and airports.  This also gave me just a one day break from vacation before finding myself at the clinic, getting started. I thought I'd have about a week.

Maybe some higher power is speaking?

****************

Anyway, day 3 ultrasound and blood work today was a little unbelievable again. 45 minutes waiting in the waiting room and 20 more waiting in the exam room.

Again, the office staff was less friendly. I knew more than the financial person. Yet when I tried to be friendly, the financial person was really helpful. The nurse and lab tech and doctor were friendly. What needed to be done got done. I'm going to have to cool my jets and get used to this.

When the nurse called in the afternoon, everything made good sense because I've done this all before. In fact, when I told Nurse M that Dr. M had waived the IVF Orientation and Injection classes, she said that was very unusual. I must sound like I know what I'm talking about.

I think I really do know what I'm talking about, in a non-arrogant way. I could be wrong, and sincerely hope I'm not.

I'm generally a fairly optimistic person, so I'll try to write in a more optimistic tone soon. I promise.

I'll start birth control pills (BCP's) Saturday, and have a hydrosonogram and trial of transfer Monday.

I feel so much more relaxed about things this time, and it's definitely a better way to be.

Perfectly Average

To be honest, I expected more.

While everything up here in the Northeast seems to be crummy and old, I expected a high-tech fertility clinic to rise above that.

With the fast-paced, driven lifestyle that is so prevalent here, I expected the clinic to have the same qualities.

So when I entered yet another old building that was probably redecorated 10+ years ago and looks like it's due for another treatment, I was disappointed.

I was disappointed when the office staff was unfriendly and the I had to spend at least 25 minutes in the waiting room.

I was disappointed when I finally met with the doctor in his office piled high with charts and books, who cracked open my chart for the very first time, not having previously reviewed the records I so carefully had arranged to arrive weeks ago.  He didn't know any of the billing questions I had, and the billing office "experts" didn't know either when I went to talk with them afterward. And there was the 20-minute wait in the exam room. And in the meeting room afterward.

All of the administrative details were completely underwhelming. Almost opposite of my tiny, Southern clinic, and I came home feeling blue.

Thankfully, today I do feel a little better.

I did like the doctor. He was patient and answered my questions thoroughly. He has been in the business for a long time, and though he does not seem very innovative, he knows the standard stuff well. I felt like he looked at my specific situation carefully and adjusted accordingly. I found the nurses and techs to be more friendly than the office staff, especially when I put forth a little effort.

After DH's hospitalization this winter and the nightmares I've gone through with our insurance company to get them to pay what the contract says they should, I've learned that you are your own advocate as far as your health insurance goes. Nobody else will do it for you, and the insurance company will try its hardest to give you as little as possible.  So while I'm not excited about this, I think I can make up for the billing department's insufficiencies. I even made my first steps with this today and found out good news in regards to fertility injectable drugs.

I looked around, and this clinic still has the best numbers by a little bit.

I think we'll probably proceed with this clinic, though I am pondering on the idea of consulting with another clinic. I wish someone could just tell me what to do.

The "Other" Me

It's been almost 2 years since I've been "here." Reluctantly, I'm coming back. The "other" me. I guess I have to come on this blog to express myself - the side of me that can't hide the tough things to pass through and the weak moments. That's resultant from the fact that IVF journeys are full of them, and I need a place to express it.

As mentioned, it's been almost 2 years since (DS) was conceived, and we feel it's time to start thinking about adding one more to our family, which we now know means another IVF journey.

Since our past journey, we've relocated. We have to change clinics and I guess I'm writing tonight because I finally made an appointment today. On the bright side, we have reasonably good insurance coverage here. On the less-bright side, after a careful evaluation of the "preferred providers," we don't have access to any of the really good clinics around here, but I think I found the best we have access to.

It's a few weeks until the consult, but now that IVF is on my mind, I just thought I'd drop by. I'll be back soon. Take care until then.