Something New that I Can Do

Last night I switched from SQ Repronex injections to IM. S did a great job with an almost-painless injection, but I awoke with a sore "cheek." Apparently Repronex just makes me sore, but at least there's no red blotch this time.

Well, tonight I needed another IM Repronex injection and S is working, so it was up to me! With some trepidation, I got everything ready and then -- I did it! It wasn't that bad, and I definitely feel like I could do it again. It feels good to be challenged and do something you were unsure about before. It also feels good to overcome challenges in this process, and know I can overcome all of the challenges and emerge victorious. Here's to victory!

Thinking on Twins

In our situation, we chose last time, and plan this time, to replace 2 embryos which gives us about a 30-35% chance of twins.  Last time, with a 4-year-old, I felt totally prepared for this, but was happy to get just one.  This time, I still hope for it, in that it would be one IVF for 2 more children, and I don't know if I'll have the chance to do another IVF if we just get one.  However, this time twins seems a little more overwhelming.  DS would only be 2.5-years-old when they were born, plus I have a 6-year-old DD too.  Our house is small, Scott works a lot, we have a 5 seat car, and more.  I guess I'm about half-and-half, hoping for twins, and not.  I suppose that's an okay place to be, but it's definitely something to think about.

Stims, Day 4

I had my first monitoring appointment after starting stims this morning and things are looking great!  There were at least 8 follicles in the 8-12 mm range already!  They're having me cut back to 75 iu of Follistim, and I'll go back in 2 days.  As for the red injection site reactions, I need to switch to IM injections for the Repronex (boo) but maybe better than red, sore spots on my stomach (so okay, I guess). I'm beginning to feel those follicles growing, and notably on the exact same day as last time.

Just Like That

The 10 days since my last appointment at the clinic seemed to stretch on forever, but Thursday I returned. Then, just like that, the cyst had resolved on its own; my antral follicle count was even better than the week before; my blood work confirmed I was still at baseline, and I was cleared to start stimming on Friday!  Friday came, and just like getting on a bicycle, I remembered how to work a Follistim Pen and mix Menopur, except that this time it's Repronex, since that's what the insurance covers.  Two days into it, I am thankfully free of headaches, though I still have some hot flashes.  I'm super happy to finally be stimming.  The one bad thing is that I'm having some injection site reactions from the Repronex.  It is leaving quarter-sized, painful red blotches around the injection site.  The package says, "approved for subcutaneous and intramuscular injection," so when I return to the clinic tomorrow, I'm going to ask what type of needle to use for an IM injection, and get some if I don't have them.  IM injections make me sore too, so it'll be a toss-up, but I might give it a try.  Just like that, it's finally, really, started!

Dear Pituitary Gland,

Thank you for the way you normally regulate my hormones so well.  I know you feel under-appreciated, and I'm sorry I've never mentioned it before.  It has become so apparent over the past few weeks that I thought this letter was quite overdue.  You see, a few weeks ago, when I took birth control pills, the extra hormones made me slightly nauseous.  Not pregnancy-nauseous, but enough so to not want a bowl if ice cream at the end of the day, and you know I sometimes want (or need!) that bowl of ice cream at the end of the day.  Now I'm on Lupron, and after releasing all of my FSH and giving me a cyst, it has now suppressed all FSH production.  I must admit that hot flashes and headaches are not really my thing, and I'm sorry I never recognized how finely tuned your FSH production was, and how well you do at keeping all of these unpleasant symptoms at bay. I want to apologize in advance that next week you're going to experience an unpleasant onslaught of hormones, though I suppose you won't mind quite as much as my ovaries. After that will likely come pregnancy, which I realize is quite a journey for you too. So thanks for sticking with me and doing your job so well.  I promise I'll be more thankful for you from now on.

Me

One of the hardest things about disappointment

Today I had a relatively minor disappointment. It’s related to something I have been anticipating for some time, so the “fall” felt monumental, even though, as I mentioned, it is relatively minor.  Its effects are many and inconvenient, though none particularly severe. I could list all of the problems today’s disappointment is bound to create, but that’s not really the hardest part. The hardest part for me is that when I begin to feel the disappointment, it suddenly colors my whole world blue. With the opposite of rose-colored glasses on, everything seems to be going badly. The weeds in the yard are horrible. My son’s loudness is unbearable. A long afternoon at home sounds so stifling I’m not sure I can make it through. And that’s just the start of it.

I’d forgotten exactly how hard it is to stay positive amid the ups and downs related to IVF. A cyst delaying my cycle start by one or a few weeks isn’t the end of the world, but it does mean Scott won’t be able to be home in the mornings during the week of mega-monitoring, so I’ll have to find babysitters. It also means ER will be right around Audrey’s first day of school. And it means Lupron suppression for another week, which I’m personally worried about.

Yet I’ve done my best today to do things that help me feel more positive, and I can definitely report that I am feeling much better at the end of the day than I was earlier on.

Sneaky

As a deal shopper and coupon expert, I was preparing for a shopping trip today when I couldn't help but notice home pregnancy tests on a great sale and with a coupon available. That logical voice in the back of my head reminded me that I'm going to be needing one of those in not-so-many weeks, and the frugal part of me convinced myself to buy it!  Once again, I felt so sneaky putting that pink box in my cart. Again, I had to bury it under other items. But I still feel sneaky and hopeful and a little silly.

One Step Closer

Today was my last day of birth control pills (BCPs). In ART, BCPs are used to "quiet" your system.  They suppress everything and get your ovaries quietly resting before the onslaught of fertility drugs pressures them into vigorous action. I think they are used in most protocols and are always a funny irony, seeing that those taking them for ART are those who are trying to conceive.

Today I'm excited to be one step closer, and am about 85% sure I'll be starting stims next Friday! After that, things move so fast!

Besides that, I have nothing really witty to say. I'm just trying to "journal" this process, and this seems like the best way to do it.

Belly Button Darts

Giving myself injections is one of those things like riding a bike -- it comes right back to you. You can do it again almost instantly, but you do have to give yourself a few technical reminders along the way. The "reminder" that has presented itself first, is that you want to handle your needle like dart - quick and smooth. Faster is definitely less painful, though I really don't find this bad.

I'm on Lupron Day 4, and so far, all is going well. Injections are definitely fine, and I'm anxious to get on with the rest of them. I've heard women say their IVF meds make them all kind of things. I thought I hadn't experienced any side effects yet, until I cried through a chapter of a Laura Ingalls Wilder book I was reading my daughter this morning. It's hard to decide if the medication is making me more emotional, or simply going through something very emotional is making me more emotional. I'm going with the latter.

Whilst I make my belly button my pincushion, the rest of the world continues outside as normal. It almost makes me feel like I'm going around with this little secret. If fact, I am, but most of the world doesn't really care anyway. That's okay too.  Just a thought.

Advocate, Advocate, Advocate

It wasn't until the last year or so that I had cause to need to be my own advocate in healthcare, but the time has definitely come.  I had a lot of practice with it earlier this year and S's hospitalization. I think that experience helped me realize that nobody else out there is fighting for you, but if you are persistent enough, and make yourself as educated as possible, you can usually, eventually, succeed.

My latest adventure in patient advocacy was showing up at the local pharmacy to pick up my oral meds today, which I had to do because the specialty pharmacy doesn't supply those. When I got there, one med was really expensive (not covered by insurance), and had been mentioned by the specialty pharmacy, so I asked the local pharmacy to hold the med. I then called the specialty pharmacy who told me my insurance does cover it through them, but it had been sent to the local pharmacy so they couldn't fill it.

Problem: specialty pharmacy was the one who sent it to the local pharmacy.

Solution: call the local pharmacy and have them retract the prescription. Then call the specialty pharmacy and tell them that has been done, and ask them to fill it now.

Then, not 30 minutes later, my shipment from the specialty pharmacy arrives. All is in good shape and still cold, which is good. The one problem is that there are only 3 boxes of Follistim, while the prescription label and packing sheet say there are 4. S checked too, and agreed, so once again, I left another message with the specialty pharmacy asking them to correct this error.

I haven't heard back yet, but expect a call tomorrow.

On a funny note, when the specialty pharmacy's package arrived, it was a big box marked "perishable." Both S and I laughed, wishing it was full of things that were a lot more fun like steaks and gourmet cheeses. Though not nearly as fun, I guess this box was technically worth more. Especially with success!

Moral of this story: be your own advocate! Nobody else will do it for you! It pays to be an educated patient!