Surreptitious Means (later on 8dp3dt)

After a special trip to the store for preschool this morning, I had to make another this evening for a baby shower I'm helping with tomorrow. I feel like I've been making these "special" few-item trips often lately and didn't want another, or maybe I just had a weak moment, but while at the store this evening, I decided to just pick up a box of HPTs.

After at least 30 other months of "hoping" that I would need to buy HPTs that month and never needing to, I have to admit my heart started beating faster at the thought of actually putting that pink box into my shopping cart. It was exhilarating -- then I hid it under something else.

DH says if it were up to him, he wouldn't test at all before the beta, but he says that I can do as I like. I've told him I'm waiting until Friday or Saturday (which is still the plan) and had my whole explanation for buying them today ready. However, I chickened out before I took my bags inside the house and put the box in my purse. Somehow the mystery in it made me laugh (at myself, I guess), and I'll welcome any bit of humor that comes my way in this tedious process. My mind is getting fatigued from the daily mental battles.

Logic of the Day (8dt3dt)

The days are dragging, and consist of the same self-argument all day.  I don't feel pregnant and have no symptoms, so I probably am not.

However, at this point with A I had no symptoms, and most IVFers haven't had symptoms at this point.  I still have as good a chance as I did from the beginning of success this cycle, and perhaps I am pregnant.

Some others who had ET on the same day have started testing, but I want to hold out until the result should be fairly reliable.

So I spend the day thinking I'm probably not pregnant, and considering the fact that I could be and running through the reasons again, so here are a few:  fertilization seems to be an issue and we have overcome that; we replaced 2 grade 1 embryos; I am young; my lining looked great; the progesterone has that side under control; this is my best chance yet; I've been careful to not do anything strenuous this whole time; and more.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

I think maybe I should be writing more frequently to record the roller coaster of emotions I go through these days, but perhaps I'd have to be writing several times per day to record them all.

Coming home from ET we felt wonderful.  We had beautiful embryos, had learned that fertilization is likely our issue and had overcome that with ICSI.  We felt young, knew our fertility was proven and felt we had so much going for us.  That feeling prevailed for that day and the next.

Thursday was harder.  I took it really easy for the first two days, but had to get back to doing some things that day.   I felt worried, wondering if each thing I did was "too much."  At the same time, outside of being busy around the house, I had been cooped up all day (and the day before and the day before).  Plus I had a dry throat and felt like I was getting sick.

Friday I knew I was sick, but  I joined a two week waiting forum on IVF connections and had people to talk to, not just about the milestones in our treatment, but the day-to-day happenings of waiting.  Then I got a call from the RE's office letting me know two of our embryos had made it to 5 day/blastocyst stage and had been frozen and they were really happy with that.  I was too.  That night we took our daughter A to see "Horton Hears a Who" at the movie theater.  I nearly teared up at the ending.  That night watching M*A*S*H with S I did cry.  The hormones had to be getting to me.

One night when we checked the placement of the PIO, blood came back into the syringe so we had to change the needle and try again.  Wow!  That spot was so sore it woke me up in the early hours of the morning.  Luckily it only took two days to get almost totally better.

Saturday I had several things going on.  The worry was nagging, but I was busy and it didn't overcome me.

Sunday meant going to church and seeing lots of babies and kids.  It meant interacting with many moms, but trying not to talk about being a mom.  It was really hard and I came home feeling really worried that if this isn't our cycle I really will be disappointed and there will be much to endure.  Luckily my mom called in the evening and was a listening ear that helped to alleviate some of the anxiety.

Today I woke up feeling completely normal -- even my PIO injection sites didn't hurt. I was really worried, so I posted on the forum asking others who had been successful if they had signs & symptoms before their betas.  I am thankful for this forum and the peace of mind, or at least kindness it has given me in tough moments.  The reply from several was that they hadn't experienced any symptoms this early.  I also made myself see sense and remember that when I was pg with my dd, I definitely didn't feel anything this early.  I feel much better this evening.

From what I've read on the forums, about 8 days after a 3 day transfer (8dp3dt in IVF lingo) you can start getting results on a HPT.  I'm going to try and hold out until Saturday (maybe Friday).  We'll see if I can.  I am currently 6dp3dt in IVF lingo, so it is getting really close.

Then there's this.  It could be nothing, but it could be something.  I decided to go for a 3-mile walk today with a friend as I felt walking isn't very strenuous and I needed to get out of the house.  Since the walk I have been exhausted.  I feel like I've been working in the yard all day long and just came in, but all I did was go for a 3-mile walk.  It could just be due to the inactivity of last week, but maybe not.  Here's hoping.

I love the pictures of our little embies they gave us at the RE's office.  We put them on the fridge and when I look at them it feels real.  It is real and those little embies should be pretty much snuggled in for the long haul at this point if they're going to stay.  Oh hope, hope, hope.

Stick Little Guys! (Transfer Day)

It has been a happy day today! Somehow I didn't get the right report Sunday, so the final report comes in at this. 10 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 7 fertilized, and there were 7 ongoing embies today.

4-Grade 1
1-Grade 2
2-Grade 3

We transferred 2 perfect, grade 1, 8-cell embryos - we even got pictures to bring home! The clinic will call on Friday to let me know how many of the remaining 5 made it to freeze. Then it's a long wait until May 5th for the beta.

Interestingly enough, they tried split ICSI and natural fertilization and the natural fertilization didn't work so they saved them and did ICSI at the last minute. Perhaps our unexplained infertility could possibly have an explanation!

My clinic doesn't require any bed rest after transfer, but I've decided for myself to take it easy the rest of today and tomorrow to satisfy my conscience and S was kind enough to take the time off to allow me this (it's impossible with 3-year-old DD).

So little guys, you look wonderful! Stick, divide, stay! We want you in our family so much.

Recovery, PIO Injections

After only feeling well while lying down Saturday and Sunday, I woke up Monday feeling really good, so dd (A) and I went out for a walk with a friend in the morning. Half-way through I was tired and sore, but we still had to make it back. When we got home we both took naps and took it easy during the afternoon. I guess I need to demand princess treatment a little longer.

Sunday night was our first PIO injection. I think S is a little too thrilled about giving me injections in the "upper buttock" as the instructions say, every night. Admittedly, the needle is a bit intimidating, but remembering that "green means go" helps (the smaller gauge needles have green plastic attachments while the ones for drawing up the PIO are pink).

I decided to try icing and using the standing-up, leaning against something approach. For the first time I chickened out. I made S stop -- I was scared! On the second try I managed to semi-relax and hold still, and I hardly felt a thing!

The next morning I woke up with the first indications of the soreness that comes from the injections, and the next injection wasn't quite as painless, but all-in-all, they're really not bad, and I appreciate the certainty that the medicine is getting in, and the non-leakage as opposed to the suppositories, so I think I'm happy with my decision to go with the injections.

Delinquent With A Reason

Sorry, it's been a few days. Sunday I got a phone call telling me that the final count was 10 eggs, 6 mature, 5 ongoing embryos. I was a bit upset and had my first cry of the cycle over it. However, after getting over the shock, I decided to choose my attitude since I couldn't control the situation. I figured if the embryos remaining developed healthy and strong, I had as good a chance as anyone and moved on.

Egg Retrieval Day

I woke up bright and early on the day of ER, too excited to stay in bed any longer. I showered and was careful not to put on any scented anything (could harm the eggies) and got my family ready to go. I was glad to be able to leave fairly early to drop my daughter off and drive to the clinic -- sitting around the house all morning would have driven me crazy!

Everything at the clinic went well, but not exactly as I expected it to. In the end, pre-op to recovery was only 90 minutes!

When we arrived, they took me right back and S stayed in the waiting room. There was another guy in the waiting room, so obviously I wasn't the only ER that day. I changed into my stylish gown, surgical hat, foot covers, and covered up with a sheet and sat in the fancy wheelchair thingie and waited. There was someone else in ER right now, so it was going to be a bit.

It was wonderful to know all of the nurses there. They were friendly and kind. Nurse J came and started my IV. Apparently she used to work in L&D, so she is an "expert," more or less. Then the brought the other woman back from ER. The room I was in was both pre-op and post-op, so she was on the other side of the curtain from me. I saw them wheel her in, eyes half closed and mumbling for more pain meds. She was nauseous and they kept warning her to sit back and not fall out of the chair. They told the anesthesiologist she wasn't feeling well and the anesthesiologist reported that she had given her Zofran (an awesome anti-nausea medicine) already. The girl kept mumbling about more pain meds -- I resolved in my mind not to ask this if I could help it.

During this, another woman appeared who apparently was training to do anesthesia for the clinic. When she came in, the regular anesthesiologist, L asked if she was wearing perfume and told her to fan herself before the doctor smelt it. When she came over, I saw she was wearing makeup too! Ahhh! Don't let her in there with me! Alas, I had no control over this, so I resolved in my mind to not worry about it -- that she would hopefully be far enough away (at my head rather than my feet) to not harm my little eggies.

Finally they got the other girl stabilized and the anesthesiologist came to talk to me. That went well and nurse C said as soon as she finished making my bed, she'd come get me to go to the bathroom. She led me in and hung by IV bag on the wall and when I headed out, she led me into the procedure room. It didn't look as much like an operating room as I thought it would. It was bigger and had more equipment then a regular exam room, but not the lights and complete sterility of an operating room, although everyone was in sterile dress. My favorite part was that it was attached to the lab, and had a sliding glass window that reminded me a lot of a McDonald's take-out window to pass the eggies through to the lab workers.

Nurse C came in with an elastic belt they put around your abdomen to help hold your ovaries in place. She commented that she brought in the smallest size and it fit around me one-and-a-half times. Just a small moment to make me feel good. She asked if I was nervous and I said not for the procedure: only for the outcome. She told me only positive thoughts for the outcome which I told her I was trying to do. Nurse J also said she'd be crossing her fingers for me. Between these two and actually knowing there were eggies retrieved, I felt a glimmer of hope yesterday that this can really work - there really are eggs there that can turn into babies and these nurses have seen it happen and know it can happen to me.

After that, things went really fast. Nurse C had me scoot down (I was the champion scooter of the day, she said) and get into the stirrups (thankfully more comfortable than those in the exam rooms). The lab director came in and verified my identity. Then the anesthesiologists got to work putting on heart rate, blood pressure, and pulse/ox monitors and a nasal cannula of oxygen. Anesthesiologist L gave me a shot of "happy medicine" and I resolved to stay alert for as long as I could.

Nurse C said she would go relieve nurse M because although she loved me, nurse M was my nurse, so out she went (I don't know if Nurse C says these kind of things to everyone, but I'm going to assume she doesn't and that they were completely sincere, because they really made me feel great). Nurse M entered the room, but I don't remember her saying anything.

Then Anesthesiologist L was explaining to the trainee what type of meds she used when Dr. H entered the room. She commented that they didn't use some medicine and then asked Dr. H to explain why they didn't use that med. Dr. H said that in a test with hampster eggs there had been a problem, but he was skeptical, and that was the last thing I remember.

I woke up back in the recovery room without anything but my IV hooked up. I was talking with Nurse M. The pain I felt was mostly like menstrual cramps and not even terribly bad, plus, luckily I remembered the woman before me and knew I would get a prescription to take home, so I am proud to admit I didn't even mention the pain.

I learned that I had only been there for about 15 minutes and I think we talked about some other things, but the meds were still affecting me a bit, so I remember talking, but not all of the questions and answers. She gave me some juice during this time, and Dr. H came in to talk with me. He reported that the egg count was at 10, but they were still looking, so there was the possibility of a few more. He said embryo transfer (ET) would probably be on Tuesday and I asked him what went into the decision for when ET was. I remember him saying that wasn't something they normally shared, but then him explaining part of it. I think I remember bits and pieces of what he said, but some of it seems too strange, so I'm not even going to record it here as I'm not sure it's right.

After that I got on my clothes (much easier after conscious sedation than it was last year after the general anesthetic!) and Nurse M helped me walk out to S. I had asked Nurse M to show S where to give the progesterone shots as we start those today, and she did, handed him instructions and prescription, and off we went. I mostly remember the drive home, arriving home and crawling into bed.

When I laid down I felt almost no pain, and couldn't decide if I should take anything for it. However, I remembered that part of the sedation included a pain medicine, and that would eventually wear off and I would probably hurt then, so I asked S to go fill the prescription. He did, and came back to check on me. After awhile I was starting to hurt and he hadn't left to pick up the prescription yet, so I asked him to, and was glad when he got back with it, as I was hurting - kind of an achy, crampy, bloated feeling.

For the first couple of hours, I laid there trying to sleep. Mysteriously, I wasn't able to sleep, but it was nice to lay and be still, and our daughter A was still at my friend's so it was very peaceful. A got home, and while I love her bunches, it wasn't as peaceful any more. I figured if I couldn't sleep when it was peaceful, I certainly wouldn't be able to sleep now. A climbed into bed with me to watch a movie and S went out to mow the lawn. S has been incredibly grumpy for the past 3-4 days, and it was getting worse again, so it was good he headed out to do something.

Pondering the procedure, I wasn't sure it would be that painful, and wondered how much rest would actually be required. However, the pain was actually worse than I thought it would be (I was imagining no pain, and didn't even know I would get a prescription for pain pills). Additionally, with A being difficult and S grouchy, I felt I couldn't demand princess treatment and tried to only ask for things I absolutely needed. However, I allowed myself to rest most of the time except when it was too taxing on S and A, and it is nice to have a good excuse to take it easy, as I have a hard time doing so.

Finally about 9:30 p.m. I was falling asleep while S and I watched M*A*S*H, and feel asleep for a pretty good night's sleep. I was thirsty all day and since I was drinking to quench my thirst, all afternoon and twice during the night my abdomen would get painful because I had to go to the loo. Getting up to the loo would hurt too, but I had to do it. Strangely ironic. Since I didn't post yesterday, I can report that I am still sore today, but not as bad as yesterday.

Now I am awaiting the phone call with the fertilization report, and am also anxious as it will include the final egg count (I really wish they could have given it to me yesterday instead). Maybe if it is Dr. H who calls, I will also ask again about what determines when the transfer will be. I'll write again later after the call.

Ready, Aim, Fire!

It's CD 11, would be day 9 of stims, but they're done.

It's trigger night!  Just an hour and a half to go, then ready, aim, fire, and there'll be no turning back.

I know I'm a bit type-A stressed about everything, but all day I've been worrying: it doesn't hurt as much as yesterday -- are all the follicles still there and okay; did she really say 10 p.m. on the phone?  yes, I know, I wrote it down as she said it, but I could be wrong; should I really lift or clean this or that?  Ahhh!  It's going to be a long two weeks... Hopefully I can just relax a little.

I'm getting excited.  I get that fluttery butterfly feeling in my stomach now and then when I think of how close we are.  I hope I'll be able to sleep and eat adequately between now and then.  I made myself a 3-layer cake with lemon filling and cream cheese frosting to encourage this : )

Next steps:

D/C all stimulation meds

HCG trigger tonight

Start Doxycycline tomorrow

Start Medrol Saturday morning

ER Saturday morning, 10 a.m.

Grow Little Eggies, Grow!

CD 10, Day 8 of Stims

This morning's ultrasound revealed a total of 15 follicles!  There are still about the same number that are definitely mature and ready, but there are about 6 others that could potentially make it too!  Dr. H said he expected to retrieve 10-12 and have 7-9 fertilize.  After Wednesday's report, this sounded wonderful to me and I finally left the office with a smile on my face again!

E2 is up to 1692.  I will do one more night of stims and (I can't believe it!) will trigger tomorrow night at 10 p.m.  Friday involves no injections, and I'll be headed for egg retrieval Saturday at 10 a.m.  Ah, wonderful, wonderful.

So to all of my little eggies, but especially to those little eggies on the border of maturing in time, grow little eggies, grow!

Pep Talk

CD 9, Day 7 of Stims

Today I'm feeling increasingly sore.  Many IVFers describe this as "bloated" which I suppose is a way to describe it.  My ovaries feel bloated, but not my stomach so much.  It is more just twinges of soreness to me.

After yesterday, I need a bit of a pep talk.  By lack of others to do this for me, here I go.

After 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive, I'm finally, really participating in in-vitro fertilization! While we have no insurance coverage for this, we have been able to secure the funding without problem and won't be in debt over this due to the help we've received.

In just a few days my eggs will be retrieved and combined with S's sperm, and for the first time in all of this waiting, I will know for certain that fertilization occurred!  Our plan is to do ICSI with at least half of the eggs which really does mean fertilization should happen.  These will then be replaced in my uterus to snuggle in and grow healthy and strong, aided by large doses of progesterone injections.  And from a person who has a hard time slowing down, I have checked out three library books and a season of M*A*S*H to help convince me to take it easy.

I have many positives going for me -- I am young (26), healthy, have had a successful previous delivery, and don't have any of the major issues I have been tested for -- currently I have "unexplained infertility."

On top of this, my religious convictions give me an added bonus.  I believe that we can receive personal revelation from a loving Father in Heaven, and in this case I know that I am doing the right thing.  I don't know what the result will be, but feel positive that He has led me to this point because this is how He can help me, and perhaps there may be a miracle wrought in me.

Disappointment comes in so many situations and while we can't control the disappointment, we can control our reaction to it.  I want to choose to not let this affect me too much, and still look forward with optimism --  this really can happen!  Having fewer follicles doesn't decrease the chance of the embryos replaced from implanting.  I'm looking forward to another appointment tomorrow to see how the follicles are growing and find out the next steps.  It's possible tomorrow or Thursday could be my last day of stims which can only mean ER is getting very, very close.  Yipee!

Blue Day

CD 8, Day 6 of Stims

Sorry to post a less-positive post, but anyone involved if ART will understand that these days come.

I was super-excited for my doctor's appointment this morning.  Dr. H came in with Nurse M which is always nice because of the increased availability of information.  However, on the ultrasound there were only 9 follicles measuring over 10 mm.  On the right there were two: 11 and 14 mm and on the left there were seven: 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17.  Dr. H said it is unusual (though not rare) to have such a disparate amount of follicles on the two ovaries, but didn't have an explanation.  What I got from that is that you would usually expect to have a similar number of follicles on the two ovaries, and apparently my right ovary is not responding well for some reason.  If the right ovary was responding correctly, I would have around 14 follicles which is more the number I was expecting.

I've been feeling blue about this today, but after a nap, feel a bit better and want to be thankful for what I have.

Dr. H was kind to point out a positive point - we won't have 20 eggs, but that also means we probably won't have 6 frozen embryos to have to decide what to do with (depending on the family size we want).  In this, the positive I can see is that if we aren't successful, there won't be tons of frozen embryos to transfer before we can move on to another fresh cycle in which we can change the protocol and hope for a better result.  Then again, we only need 1 or hopefully 2 good embryos to transfer and if we are successful, we won't need to worry about this anyway!

I already heard back from the clinic and my E2 (Estradiol) is 723, up from 157 on Friday so we're actually cutting back a bit on the meds to keep things from going too quickly.

I'll go back on Wednesday and trigger Thursday or Friday for a Saturday or Sunday ER.  It's getting close!  Time to get excited again (after I get over being blue).

I've Got This Feeling

CD 6, Day 4 of Stims

Yesterday I could only be sure something was happening because the blood work results said so. No more!  I finally know we're really doing something.  I've got this feeling - it feels a bit like right before you ovulate (but obviously I won't be ovulating when pumped full of Lupron), a bit like the ovarian cyst did last year (in the end, big follicles, and many of them are a lot like that cyst).  Twinging heaviness.  I don't feel it much when I'm just sitting around, but I definitely do when I'm vacuuming, getting out of the car, or moving in other various ways.  Yipee!  This is really happening!  It's so ironic to be so excited about potentially painful things.  One question: what is going to be like after 7 more days of stims?

CD 5 - Day 3 of Stims

I don't have anything witty to write about today - I just want to write.

I have been on stims for three days now and ten injections later, don't feel anything (except that my tummy is looking like a bruised pincushion).

I had an appointment for blood work at the clinic this morning.  I have had one or two Friday appointments before, and always got my callback extra early because they close early on Fridays. So starting at 10:30 a.m., I started keeping the cell and home phone nearby.  And I waited.  And I waited.  As the wait progressed, I began to wonder if they would call.  I've never had a blood work only appointment - maybe they didn't call on those.  Yet I couldn't picture them drawing blood and checking levels without talking with me, even if it was to confirm that there was no change.  And so far they have been perfect in their reliability.

So 2:00 p.m. rolled around, the time the office closes, and I hadn't been called.  At 2:20 p.m. I was desperate and decided that if they hadn't called, maybe they were still there, so I called, only to find  a new recording stating the office now closes at 1:00 p.m. on Friday.  About this time I also realized that I didn't have any ongoing appointments made because these are usually made at the same time as the information phone call. I realized that by the time I got to Monday, I would have been stimming for 5 days and would really need to be reevaluated - Tuesday would be awfully late for a previous over-responder (on Femara of all things).  

I picked up S from work in this agitated state, and he suggested calling.  After dinner S asked if I would like him to call the clinic (what a sweetie) which I wanted him to do, but didn't want the clinic to think I was silly, so I finally decided I should.  I couldn't live with this all weekend.  I called and dialed through to the urgent care number.  Luckily a nurse picked up, and when she did, she explained they were still there, have started in on IVF and were just then getting to calls.  I felt a bit sheepish, but she was kind and when my nurse called me back a few minutes later, she was kind too.

The update is that I am responding well to the stimulating medicine and there is no change to the current protocol.  I will go back on Monday for ultrasound and blood work.  I am so excited to finally see what is going on and get my first indication of the number of follicles developing! Even the warning that Monday is going to be a crazy day at the clinic and may require a wait doesn't dampen this excitement [much]. 

It's crazy to think egg retrieval (ER) could be only a week away!  Things seem to move so fast once you finally start stimming, and I still can hardly believe I am actually, finally here.

Bathroom Becomes Mad Science Lab

CD 3, Day 1 of Stims

After an appointment at the clinic this morning and the report on my bloodwork, I learned my lining is thin and ovaries are quiet, so I can start my injections!

At ten minutes to injection time, scientist S and I reported to the lab to prepare our concoctions. After 10 days of Lupron, it was a new experience to prepare 3 injections -- Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur and we felt a bit like mad scientists in the lab doing some crazy experiment.  It was all very medical though - alcohol swabs and sharps boxes, so please have a little faith.

Three sticks later, I've officially begun the stimulation phase!  I have finally, officially, started.

Start - The Official Definition

So I've been wondering...have I actually started IVF?  What actually constitutes the official start of this?

Was it meeting with the RE back in February to decide we did want to move on to IVF?

Was it putting down the nonrefundable deposit?

Paying the entire balance almost a month ago?

Starting birth control  as part of the suppression phase over a month ago?

I was sure it was starting Lupron injections a week ago, but here I am, still feeling like I haven't really started yet.

Is it taking off the birth control patch tomorrow to allow my body to actually begin the menstrual cycle this will all be based off of?  That sounds like a beginning, but...

Will it be completing my first hormone injections on Wednesday, initiating the stimulation phase?  

For now I've decided to call that the start.  Up until now, I have taken steps toward the IVF process, but stopping at any point would not have had any extended effects.  However, once those stimulating injections start, multiple follicles will be produced, and although we could not proceed all the way to egg retrieval (ER), the follicles are present and there is no turning back.

Well, I'll pull the birth control patch off tomorrow, and then on to Wednesday.  I'm so excited to finally get started!